For better and for worse: expectations and marriage
Strong relationship skills can't make a marriage successful--especially if expectations are low to start with. But low expectations aren't necessarily bad.Couples with low expectations of happiness and poor relationship skills are happier after four years of marriage than those with high expectations and poor relational skills, according to a study of marital satisfaction released this month.
These couples aren't in an ideal situation, Ohio State researcher James McNulty says; overall, their levels of satisfaction with their marriage are lower than average.
"But they don't experience a big drop in their satisfaction over time. Thus, their situation is preferable to those with poor skills and high expectations, who start off with lower levels of satisfaction and then drop even further," he said.
Oddly, couples with good relationship skills and lower expectations seem to experience steeper declines in satisfaction--probably, McNulty conjectures, because they don't think there's much hope in using their skills to strengthen their marriage.
And not surprisingly, couples with high expectations and good relationship skills tend to report more stable levels of happiness than the other groups.
All this suggests satisfaction is less likely to plummet after marriage if a couple has an accurate image of their relationship--even if that image isn't ideal.
"Over the long term, it is important for marriage partners to have accurate knowledge of their relationship's strengths and weaknesses," Ohio State researcher James McNulty says. "Satisfaction goes down when a spouse's expectations don't fit with reality."
These results suggest that good premarital counseling might stress two theological themes: stewardship and vocation.
Emphasizing proper stewardship of the gifts a couple brings to marriage--such as good relationship skills--might encourage the use of those gifts when times get tough. The gifts alone won't make things better, but proper use of those gifts can make a big difference.
Emphasizing marriage as a vocation, with all of the difficulties inherent in any call from God, might help couples establish realistic expectations for happiness in marriage.
[From the AScribe newswire, via the American Psychological Association]
.: Posted by Duane Bidwell on Tuesday, May 11, 2004
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